You Might Be More Queer Than You Think: An Intro To Sexual Fluidity

My story and experience in indecisiveness about my sexuality is one that I imagine rings far too familiar amongst many others individuals. From the overwhelming awareness of young budding sexuality to those still confusing adult feelings, the ones that tend to scream “you are not happy here” in our faces while we simultaneously seem to hit an emotional brick wall head on.

These first weeks of Pride month were spent racking my brain of relatable topics I could share with you. I looked back on my story, my childhood and the questioning of my own sexuality, identity and gender. Passage after passage, I began, edited, backspaced, highlighted and.. deleted.

I touched on the assumptions of childhood peers, their questions that so often turned into bullying and shame. The influence of a society that made me think that my gayness was wrong and at times that my bisexuality was even worse.

I reflected on the times I felt I needed to keep my queerness hidden from boys and men I dated; times I felt misunderstood and misrepresented. Moments that turned into secretiveness and betrayal; both to the people I claimed to care about as well as to myself and my true desires and needs.

At the end of each of these passages about my life, I felt dissatisfied; as if there was a key element not being presented, maybe one that I still am working on fully comprehending or have not yet completely tuned in. As confident I am in knowing who I am, what I want and that I am in control of my own sex, there is a complexity to that knowledge that I have not completely dissected and found the comfort with, to so publicly share. & that is okay.

Artist Unknown- Full Comic Here

Our sexuality and what attracts us is an ever complex, miseducated subject. One that we are too often taught as a choice between two options, if even taught at all.

Our respective and individual sexualities are infinitely unique and for most or many of us, ever changing.

My journey in self-exploration has shared with me many lessons. Above all, that the truest forms of sex and our relationships are only that when we are true and honest with ourselves and the partners we choose to share it with. With that honesty, came a lesson in fluidity.

Our sexual beings are fluid and infinitely vast in their appearances.

Once I was able to accept my sexuality as the diverse, complex thing that it is I, in turn, became more  honest and at ease with the haunting question of “What am I?”

That ease of acceptance with my shifting and diverse orientation was better understood with this growing idea of our sexuality being fluid, Meaning; “…that sexual preferences have the capability to change over a lifetime, and in many cases is dependent on different situations. Specifically this idea of fluidity refers to the flexibility of sexual responses.”

To possibly better visualize the meaning of this, I share with you the Purple-Red Scale:

The Purple-Red Scale was created to replace Dr. Alfred Kinsey’s  1948 (Yes, this isn’t a new millennial discovery.) Scale of Sexual Behavior.  Dr. Alfred Kinsey created this scale of Sexual Behavior to try to map out the diversities in our changing desires and attractions.

While the Kinsey and the Purple-Red Scale, indeed have their flaws in inclusivity,  fluctuations in sexual preferences and individual means of sexual self-discovery; I think it would be instrumental if something akin to these scales were taught to both the youth as well as adults who are contemplating or practicing the exploration of their own sexualities and otherwise.

Many people, children especially, are lost, confused, bullied or even worse growing up and a great deal of them don’t even understand the reasons why. Sex and sexual attraction is something held in very high importance in this country, whether it’s in Hollywood, Advertisement, or everyday life. For those still missing that “hidden link” within themselves, who are constantly faced with media stereotypes and the objectification of the human bodies (but obviously, mostly women and queer folk – let’s be real here), scales and teachings such as these could be a healthy and beneficial introduction to individuals seeking self-awareness by teaching us how to share safely, provide respect to others and find confidence in who we are.

I bring this to you today to share my story, to invite you to learn – about yourself and other people’s sexualities. Be open to questioning your own interests, attractions and self; whether those questions simply affirm who you are in this moment, or are a gateway to new experiences. All options are valid. 

Find love with who you are. Find love in the diversities of all bodies, identities, choices and decisions of others.

Keep each other safe.

 

More Information:

Masturbation Is Real Sex.

“Masturbation is our first and natural form of sexual activity and if that’s inhibited or damaged, then we suffer for the rest of our lives.”

– Betty Dodson

May is National Masturbation Month

The act of masturbation, although generally universal, remains shamefully taboo. Even in our often hyper sexualized society and especially for women and non-binary individuals. It is likely the last sexual activity to be apprehensively discussed amongst peers although it is the very first sexual activity we will ever experience (at least for many or most of us) and hopefully our most familiar one. When it does come up in conversation, it is often facetious or deemed an act saved for those who lack partnered sex. It is socially discredited as a valid act of sex. But…

Masturbation is real sex.

Through masturbation we explore both an innate desire for pleasure, as well as the subtleties of our individual and unique appetites. Masturbation and the simple act of touching our own bodies opens up a much needed dialogue with ourselves. It invites us to find comfort and acceptance in our bodies, these vessels that as long as we know them, will be the primary catalysts in all that we do both within the realm of our sexuality and outside.

“Masturbation is not only an expression of self-regard: it is also the natural emotional outlet of those who…have already accepted as inevitable the wide gulf between their real futures and the expectations of their fantasies.”

—Quentin Crisp

When we allow ourselves to embrace the spaces we occupy, when we allow ourselves to embrace ourselves completely; we can only benefit from our experiences in oneness. It is not an act of guilt or loneliness. Masturbation is an act in power. It is a performance steeped in self-education and self-love. When we invite ourselves to become familiar and comfortable with our own sex, we are also inviting those we choose to share it with to allow access to that same empowerment; that same knowledge to create and decide our own fantasies, desires and boundaries.

I invite you. Explore, discover and create what feels good for you. Whether it is normative, supple, exquisite, odd or deviant; all forms of your sex and pleasures are valid as long as you make the space to truly know them. If the yearning and interest is there, don’t let shame hold you back from trying something new.

You’re not alone.

Furthermore, if masturbation does not interest you, you too, are not alone. The capability to understand one’s identity needs not to be drenched in the guilt of validity only through mainstream sexuality. We are all capable of sexiness and sensuality, as well as the ability to give those words our own individual meaning.

Let’s rewrite and recreate the ways that we communicate with our bodies and each other. Knowing ourselves is empowering. Let’s share that feeling with those around us, those lessons in oneness, those explorations in fervor. Let’s open up the spaces for discussion, education and celebration of our unique gratifications, needs and wishes.

Communicate with yourself and each other.
I am always grateful to hear your stories, your quirks and your questions.